Can’t lose my eyes. Can’t sleep. Tar black, long, sharp claws digging into the soft fabric of my brain, tearing their way deeper and deeper into my thoughts, into my memories. Bloodshot eyes staring down at the rivers of black gew intertwining into a vortex under my hanging body. My body is hanging in midair, not showing a single move or the slightest sign of life. With every disappointment, betrayal with every pain that was cast upon me, my darkness grew more. I grew…I can feel it.
The sharp stabbing pain, the numbness in my limbs, the static in my ears. Like a never-ending loop of thoughts, dark and empty, they mess with my memories as those claws dig in deeper. The darkness does not just create darkness; it consumes everything in its way. Happy memories turn gray and bleak, things that were happy start to get sad and darker, with every second of this eternity that passes by.
The darkness twists and shapes those happy and bright memories into nothing but cold and empty shells of nothing but pain and disappointment. I’m scared, scared, scared that this is all I am, just a darkness within myself. The numbness in my limbs spreads throughout my entire being. It’s scary, but so comforting, tempting… How good and sad it is to not feel a single thing. It’s sweet but so agonizing. I hear a faint voice in the distance of my eternal void.
“Hey… hey… are you there?”. The clicking of fingers in front of my face made me blink and look up at a soft smile of a familiar face. “Hey, am I talking to a wall? Cmon you’ve been staring at your food for years already. We are going to be late, snap out of it, will ya?”
I blink a couple of times and smile back as if I can feel anything at all, “Yeah, I zoned out.” I give a, what sounds like a heartfelt chuckle as I get up from my seat. Suddenly everything is too loud, my eyes wander around getting lost in a sea of familiarly unfamiliar objects and faces, refocusing and remembering where I was. Felt like another eternity, but the eternity passed like a second. “I’ll probably take the food with me, kind of changed my mind.”
“You sure you are okay?” said what looked like a concerned face.
“Yeah… Totally.” I gave a warm smile and asked the waiter to pack up the order to go.
This darkness was always inside me, like a little dot; I carried it in my heart throughout these years like a pet, feeding it every single dark and painful thought I had, now it also surrounds me. It grew beyond my control, while before it would beg me to eat, now it creates and consumes its own creations, like I was consumed by it, like an Ouroborus, a self-eating snake, the symbol of eternity, my eternity, an eternity in my own thoughts, in my own head, eternity within a second. It’s a part of me. It is me.
The darkness consumed me; I am paralyzed; it consumed me long ago, so long ago that this darkness is now my place of sorrow and despair but also my oldest friends and my home.
